The Fowl Bloom
by Sweet-Lemonz
Summary: A story featuring Artemis Fowl and Orlando Bloom... We'll see how this turns out!
1. Intro

**The Fowl Bloom  
a story starring Artemis Fowl and Orlando Bloom  
** (A/N: We're pretending that they are both 15 here, okay?)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Artemis Fowl or Orlando Bloom. Or anything else. All I own is me... sad isn't it?

* * *

Intro 

So it was a horrible foggy day in the summer, and, naturally, Artemis was in a horrible mood. In fact, he was soooooooooooooooooo mad that he decided to fire Butler for putting too much butter on his toast. (A/N: I didn't know that Butler had to make Artemis toast, but OOOOOOOOOh well!) Poor Butler...  
  
It was beautiful sunny summer day, and, not so very naturally, Kate Bosworth was in an AWFUL mood. Poor Orlando had to put up with her awful attitude. Most of the girls in America will be VERY jealous here that he was waiting on her - hand and foot. When Orlando didn't fetch her bunny slippers on time, she dumped him. Poor stupid Kate...  
  
On a very hot day in the summer, the stunning Tanya Kaida, a 15-year old girl, was walking along her private beach in Orlando, Florida, singing her favorite song: This Love by Maroon 5. She was a beautiful blonde with kinda curly hair that fell just right on her shoulders. She had almost fairy-like features on her face: deep blue eyes that twinkled, perfect nose, eyebrows arched in an attractive manner, and "cute" ears.

Tanya lived on her private beach estate sometimes, but when she wanted to, she would live in her beautiful castle in France. Sometimes, she liked to live her little shack in China when she felt like being Feng-Shui. She bought her parents an elegant house in California where she occasionally visits. Tanya bought her brother a warm cottage in Alaska where he can never bug her again. Every now and then she visits him, but, when not in China, France, Florida, California, or Alaska, she is in Hawaii where she hangs out with the beach bums.

Where did she get all of that money? NO, Tanya Kaida did NOT win the lottery; she won a bet with Artemis Fowl...


	2. Meeting Artemis

**The Fowl Bloom**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. K? So don't sue me. Thank you.

* * *

The Bet

Tanya Kaida, who lived in her boring home in Missouri, was on a vacation in Ireland. She was going for a run in all of the fancy private neighborhoods. (A/N: Tanya knows her way around, okay? She also knows her way around security guards who always ask why you're wherever you are. My advice: tell them that you're right where you are because you just are; if there are any further questions, please call 1-800-IAMDUMB. It works, sometimes.)

She was looking at her untied shoelaces when she ran straight into somebody. "Sorry, sorry!" muttered Tanya as she bent down to tie her shoelace.

"What in the world is an irritating commoner like you doing here?" asked the stranger.

Tanya had not even looked at him, yet he apparently did not approve of her. "Thanks for asking!" said Tanya sarcastically, "I'm Tanya Kaida! And who are you?" as she stood up and stared the boy innocently.

The boy was cute, but in a creepy way. "My name happens to be Artemis Fowl," he stated, appearing disgusted by the sweat dripping down her neck. However, Tanya could tell that he was amazed... as was every other guy she had talked to.

"Nice to meet you, too!" said Tanya, "So, do you live around here?"

"No, it just so happens that my living quarters are situated in this exact area," stated Artemis who decided to try some of his fancy talk on Tanya.

"Oh, really?" said Tanya. Then, she decided to pull some of her not-so-very- fancy language on Artemis. "I never would've guessOLAd. So... ya wanna invitOLA me 2 fo shizzle at your housOLA sumtime? I mean, I'm gunna be aroundizzle for a whilOLA and all. OLA!"

"What?" said Artemis. He obviously had not yet been exposed to Tanya's unique way of talking Spanglish and city at the same time.

"I said: are you going to invite me to your house?"

"No," declared Artemis. At that very moment his mother, Angeline Fowl, came walking up. She was wondering why it had taken Artemis so long to fetch the newspaper. (A/N: The newspaper-fetching maid person had been fired for slacking on the job.)

"Hi! Are you Artemis's mommy?" asked Tanya, "Yes, I am. Who are you?" asked Angeline.

"I'm Artemis's friend, Tanya Kaida. He's just invited me over to your house!" said an ecstatic Tanya.

"I did?" said a confused Artemis, but he knew that if his parents stayed around, they would embarrass him beyond belief. ("Oh, Arty-kins! You're finally making some friends! I'm so proud of you!") So, he decided to play along with it, "I mean, yes, of course I did."

Tanya was a bit taken-aback because she did not really expect Artemis to really play along, but she really wanted to go into one of these big fancy houses!

"Oh Arty-"started Angeline.

"Uh, mom, would you mind if I invited Tanya to dinner?" Tanya was really surprised when Artemis said this, but she didn't mind AT ALL.

"Oh, of course, that would be wonderful. Let me go alert the cooks." said Angeline as she raced back inside the house.

Artemis looked at Tanya and sighed, "I suppose you will need to get changed and call your family. I shall have to show you the guest room and there will be servants to provide you with whatever dress you think suitable."

"Wow! Really?" said Tanya. Her family was not very rich, but they weren't poor either. But Mrs. Fowl had said cookS - plural and servantS - plural!!! This was going to be AWESOME!!!

Artemis guided Tanya through their amazingly intricate mansion. Even their butlers had butlers!!! The Fowls had three limousines, plus a lime green slug bug, a red convertible, and a HUGE camper van. The interior design was remarkably incredible with a mix of old-fashioned and chic to modern and sleek. After gaping through the confusing hallways of Fowl Manor, Artemis showed Tanya to her guest room which turned out to be a private little house in the midst of the intricate gardens. Even the little cottage was beautiful.

"When you are ready to pick out your dress, just press this button and Tamma, your maid, will come and provide you with whatever you wish. You may look online for a dress or custom make one from our tailors, whichever you prefer. Tamma has already prepared this room with a set of fresh casual wear and has prepared it for your every need. I hope you are satisfied," recited Artemis.

Tanya just stared in amazement as Artemis gave her one of his world- famous smirks.


	3. Dinner

**The Bet 2**  
  
Thank you, thank you all reviewers. Orlando Bloom WILL be in this story A LOT as soon as I get the plot rolling. So sorry if the title is lame, but I wasn't really worrying about that. Tanya IS NOT going to be a Mary Sue. Promise. This bet part is going to go pretty fast because it's not the most important part of the story. If you have any ideas, please feel free to give them to me. They are mucho appreciated. (esp. a new title name)  
  
**Disclaimer:** sigh, idon'townanything... sniff sniff

* * *

So Tanya got her fancy dose at the Fowl Manor. She had a load of fun maxing out the credit card on her outfit: a BEAUTIFUL turquoise and other shades of blue with matching turquoise jewelry. (It matched her eye color perfectly!) Now Tanya wasn't much for spending loads of time on a fancy hair-do or high heels. So she ran a comb through her already curly hair and let it flow. As for the high heels... she decided that it would be okay to wear some bright pink flip-flops because the dress already made enough noise, and that would cover up the loud flip-flop sound of the flip- flops. (The dress was also long enough to hide them from critiquing view!)  
  
After Tanya was finished getting ready, Tamma came to get her. She led Tanya to a private dining quarter where only Artemis was sitting. He looked pretty bored, but, by now, Tanya figured out that that was how he always looked.  
  
"So, are you're parentals coming?" said Tanya.  
  
"No," sighed Artemis, "They think it would be 'just charming' for the two of us to have dinner by ourselves."  
  
Tanya looked at the table where the dinner was laid out for them. She was not pleased with what she saw: caviar, tuna, shrimp, escargot, lobster, something that looked like a baby squid, and some monkey brains imported from China. She was about to scream and run around the house yelling, "WHAT THE FISH?!?!?!" when she spotted the lemons and artichokes hidden behind the massive blob of monkey brains.  
  
Tanya sat down at her spot across from Artemis. "Are you going to eat that?" she asked pointing in the direction of the monkey brains.  
  
"I do not care for any artichokes or lemons, thank you," said Artemis as he reached for the brains.  
  
"Well, will you please pass them to me?" asked Tanya.  
  
"If you insist, but I would recommend the caviar," said Artemis as he passed the artichokes and lemons.  
  
Tanya LOVED artichokes and lemons. They were her most favorite food in the world. She would eat them 24/7 if she could, but they weren't very cheap. And now that she had the opportunity, she fully intended to eat the whole platter. So, as Artemis politely ate his caviar, Tanya gobbled up the whole plate of artichokes and lemons.  
  
Of course, Tanya ate a couple too many artichokes and lemons which made her act a little weird. I guess you would call it getting high on artichokes and lemons- if that is at all possible.  
  
Artemis stared in disbelief as Tanya asked the waiter for a martini. Of course Tanya didn't want to drink the martini, but she was going through a phase where she loved _looking_ at martinis. She found them quite fascinating. She always wondered who the genius was who invented putting the salt, olive, and pretty glass cup all together.  
  
The waiter actually brought Tanya a martini, but Tanya was too high on artichokes and lemons to notice. However, Artemis did notice, and I think the brains were poisoned or something because he picked it up and drained the whole glass!!!  
  
Tanya, who had been busy making a caviar castle on her plate, looked up to see Artemis chugging a martini.  
  
"What the fish?!?!?!?!?!" said Tanya, "What do you think you're doing? I just ordered so I could look at it! You just wrecked the perfect salt rim!"  
  
Artemis stared at her blankly, and then burst out into a loud rendition of "Barney Is a Dinosaur from Our Imagination."  
  
After plugging her ears, Tanya recovered from her artichokes and lemons and managed to pull Artemis off of the table before he dive bombed the squid.  
  
"Oh, dear. The stupid boy has gone and got himself drunk," said Tanya to nobody in particular.

* * *

A/N: I should have the rest of this chapter up and running by tomorrow. I'm having a minor case of writer's block right now, so I can't finish today. PLEASE REVIEW!!! Thanks a load for reading this! 


	4. Friends

**The Bet #3**

**Disclaimer:** Alright. This is torture: I sob don't sniff own sigh anything! starts to cry

* * *

Tanya wearily eyed Artemis as he staggered around the room. He was a sad case. She might as well take advantage of this opportunity.  
  
"Hey, Artemis: Is it okay if I invite over some friends?" asked Tanya.  
  
Artemis said something along the lines of, "Barney is my friend."  
  
"I'll take that as a yes," said Tanya. Apparently Artemis was not used to strong martinis.  
  
She decided to invite over her friends: Daniela & Emilia Darwin and Carlynda & Krystyn Blythe. They were also in Ireland because Tanya's family was good friends with their family and they went on vacations together sometimes. (A/N: I know that it seems really coincidental, but Tanya has to invite over her friends somehow.)  
  
(A/N again: Let me interrupt this story for a second to give a brief description of these new characters:

Daniela: pronounced: (dan.YELL.a) She is rather shy, but really nice. She doesn't think that anybody is mean and is really good at tennis.

Emilia: pronounced: (M.E.LEE.a) She loves volleyball. She has been a good friend of Tanya's for 7 years and is really nice.

Krystyn: pronounced: (Kri.stin) She has a weird obsession with cows and looking at martinis. She is really funny and really nice.

Carlynda: pronounced: (Kar.Linda) She is obsessed with Adam Brody and the O.C. She is funny and really nice.)  
  
Tanya answered the door before they could ring the doorbell. (She didn't want Mrs. Fowl to see her son just yet. She knew that there were a bunch of security cameras everywhere, but she hoped that Mrs. Fowl would probably think that it was just darling that Artemis was making more friends.)  
  
"Hey, everybody!" said Tanya.  
  
"Wow! How did you score this one?" asked Carlynda as everybody stared at the huge chandelier hanging from the ceiling.  
  
"I got him in a pickle," said Tanya pointing to Artemis who was still staggering around the room.  
  
"Wow! That dress is amazing! How did you score that one?" asked Krystyn as everybody stared at Tanya's dress.  
  
"I got to pick out anything I wanted to wear - and it had to be fancy. It was fun! You guys missed out on a lot! So.. What have ya'll been up to? I'm sure you weren't just sitting around the hotel," said Tanya as she led them to her guest room. They all made sure that Artemis stayed behind them and he staggered.  
  
"Oh, we were just... ya know, sitting around the hotel..." said Daniela.  
  
"More like - running around the hotel hallways, getting handfuls of free ice from the machines, riding the elevators nonstop, and robbing the free candy dish at the check in table," said Krystyn.  
  
"Well, sounds fun to me!" said Tanya.  
  
"Not as fun as maxing somebody else's credit card - with permission!" said Carlynda.  
  
"So, who in the world is that guy following us, and what is wrong with him?" asked Emilia.  
  
"I'll tell you guys all about it when we get to my 'room'" said Tanya.

* * *

A/N: A short chapter to introduce the new characters, the actual bet will come in the next chapter - promise. REVIEW!!!!!!!!! pleez.


	5. THE BET

The Bet!!!  
  
A/N: Just because Tanya's friends are really nice doesn't mean that they're nice to everyone... (aka Artemis) Orlando is definitely in the next chapter, and he is also mentioned in this one, so - no worries! A very special thank you to Aliana-Fairy-Queen for the great ideas! Reviewers: If you have a good idea, feel free to send me an email. If it's a really good idea, you just might be in this story!!! (still in need of a new title)  
  
**Disclaimer:** Hurry up already! Idon'townanything. There we go.

* * *

Tanya spent over an hour telling about how she got to Artemis's house and such. (She was interrupted a lot.) Artemis's martini was wearing off because he fell asleep on the floor of the guest 'room' as soon as they all sat down to listen to Tanya, so he can function a little more normally now. (A/N: Pity.)  
  
"Now, anybody hungry?" asked Tanya. She didn't think that lemons and artichokes could satisfy her for too long.  
  
"Starving!" said Emilia, and everybody else agreed - with the exception of Artemis who was still asleep.  
  
"Let's order in. And, sorry Krystyn, but we can't order martinis to look at. Even though they are free..." sighed Tanya.  
  
"How are we just supposed to order in," asked Daniela, "Or is this place magic?"  
  
"Magic? Like Harry Potter?" asked Carlynda.  
  
"No, just press this button and Tamma will come," said Tanya.  
  
"Oh, FUN! I wanna do it!" said Krystyn.  
  
"Can you say easily amused?" said Carlynda.  
  
Everybody ordered hamburgers, lemon slices with a side cup of sugar, and Shirley Temples. Sadly, Tanya had to limit the intake of lemons on her part. Krystyn felt sorry for the cows and decided to get chicken instead. Artemis was still asleep.  
  
During their meal, they decided to talk about their favorite person: Orlando Bloom. They were all gushing about how hot he was when Artemis woke up.  
  
"Where am I?" Artemis asked.  
  
"HANGOVER," all of the girls shouted together and went back to talking about Orlando.  
  
Artemis blinked. "Wait a second, I thought that Orlando was a place. Not a person." said Artemis. At this, the girls went mad:  
  
"You don't know who Orlando Bloom is?!?!?!?!" said Tanya  
  
"That's like a sin!!!" said Daniela.  
  
"He's the hottest celebrity around!!!" said Krystyn.  
  
"Don't tell me that you haven't seen Pirates of the Caribbean or Lord of the Rings!" said Emilia.  
  
"You must live a very sad life," said Carlynda.  
  
"Well, I do not waste my time talking about frivolous matters over someone you will never meet. He is just a faze that you all are going through. Pretty soon you will forget all about him." said Artemis. Apparently, he had had a miraculously quick recovery - but a few hints of drunkenness still remained.  
  
"I have to go to the bathroom!" said Krystyn.  
  
"Me too!" said Carlynda.  
  
"Me three!" said Daniela.  
  
"I wanna come too!" said Emilia.  
  
"You know there is a bathroom in this housey thing," said Tanya.  
  
"No, I want to go to the really fancy ones inside," said Krystyn. Carlynda, Daniela, and Emilia agreed.  
  
"Suit yourself," said Artemis who was disgusted by their childish behavior. So they all left, leaving Tanya and Artemis by themselves.  
  
"What are you talking about?" said Tanya, "I'll never forget Orli! I'm going to marry him!"  
  
"I bet he wouldn't even date you," said Artemis.  
  
"Well, I bet you couldn't even get any of my friends to date you!" retorted Tanya.  
  
"You're on!" said Artemis. Of course, he had never really tried to impress anybody, but he thought so highly of himself, and either he or the martini had him convinced that he could win over anybody that he wanted to.  
  
"Rules?" asked Tanya.  
  
"You can't tell your friends about the bet, other wise you automatically lose," said Artemis.  
  
"Hang on, my side of the bargain is much more complicated! You have to give me some money and transportation," said Tanya.  
  
"In that case, I get more time. How about a month per person? So that would be 4 months," said Artemis.  
  
"And I get one month AFTER I find him," said Tanya.  
  
"How much are we betting?" asked Artemis.  
  
"I'll be you're servant for 10 years if I lose," said Tanya.  
  
"And I'll give you half of the Fowl savings - that's more money that you've ever even heard of," said Artemis.  
  
So that was that. They took care of making it official with signatures and writing down stuff in pen. Then, Artemis went to his room, and Tanya waited for her friends to come back.  
  
She felt kinda sorry for them, but she also felt sorry for Artemis...

* * *

A/N: Do you like? REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pleez. Oh yeah, and in the Intro, the paragraphs about Artemis and Orlando are before the story starts, and the part about Tanya is about after the story ends... 


	6. Finishing Up

**Finishing Up**

**A/N:** Sorry if I was slow to update, but I was spending all of my spare time begging my mom to let me get my ears pierced... and finally she relented! Pretty fake diamond studs! So.... the story finally continues!  
  
**Disclaimer:** I almost forgot. I don't own anything!!!!!

* * *

"We're back!" shouted Krystyn as they opened the door.  
  
"What took you so long?" asked Tanya.  
  
"Well-"began Daniela.  
  
"We got kinda lost, and we ran into this one lady who was really nice and gave us a tour of the house. Her name was Angeline, think," said Emilia.  
  
"Yeah! And we saw Artemis heading up to his room, and so we embarrassed him by pretending like we were, like, his best friends!" said Carlynda.  
  
"Yesh, that guy has some serious problemos," said Krystyn.  
  
"I know. He's rather creepy," said Tanya, but she remembered the bet and guessed that Artemis was monitoring their conversation. "But maybe he just isn't used to us yet."  
  
"Ya, it can take a while for some people to get used to us..." said Carlynda.  
  
"Ah well. Are there any good movies around here?" asked Emilia.  
  
"I dunno. Let's check by that gimumbus TV over there," said Tanya. They all looked around the wall-sized TV with all of the amusing drawers and cabinets around it.  
  
"SCORE! I found Pirates of the Caribbean!" said Carlynda.  
  
"We're watching it - hands down!" said Krystyn.  
  
So they stayed up until 3:00 a.m. reciting lines, gushing over Orlando and Johnny Depp, and throwing lemon peels at Commodore Norrington. They also watched Lord of the Rings #2 (because it has the best Orlando shots) and almost broke the TV by slapping Frodo one too many times (because he manages to have the most constipated expressions in that movie). The next morning they woke up at about 11:00 and remembered that they had parents. Sigh. Oh well, their parents were pretty lenient anyway...

* * *

**A/N:** I'm really sorry that it's so short, but I am suffering a SEVERE case of writer's block... more 2 come soon. 

I think that it's high time I thank my awesome reviewers.

LazyCat: You are my fav. reviewer! Thankies SO MUCH!

VampyGenieWitch: Youola izzile awesomola!

Neurotic Cat Goddess: U r my first and therefore the coolest reviewer!

Farseer-Tydraad: Thanks for supportive advice!

Socia Munda: I'm glad u like it. blue-aurad: Thanx! I hope u like it still!

Miliko01: Short & sweet!

Milette Tails Prower: I'd say the same thing about ur review! Thanx!

orangUtang 100: Just wait and see! And about giving away the ending: well, I didn't really mean 4 the plot 2 go the way it is going right now. In fact, I had a whole different idea in mind, but I'm just going 2 combine the two plots and c what happens.

Alaina-Fairy-Queen: ttyl

Cecilia Diseal: ditto

and the same goes 4 Kirsy/Ms Mooey Moo Cow and basomething and charni says


	7. Dealing with Parents

**Dealing with the Parents**

**A/N:** I know the last chapter was super-short, but I'm going to try to update as much as I can before I go on vaca!  
  
**Disclaimer:** This is getting really old! I don't own anything! Satisfied?

* * *

"Oh, ba. This is going to be harder than I thought!" thought Tanya. (**A/N:** I'm thinking the same thing!)  
  
"Oh, ba. We have to call our parentals!" said Carlynda.  
  
"I'm hungry!" said Emilia.  
  
"I vote pancakes!" said Daniela.  
  
"Can I press the button?" asked Krystyn.  
  
"No, I get to this time!" said Carlynda.  
  
"No! I called it!" said Krystyn.  
  
"Ba you!" said Carlynda.  
  
"No, BA you!" said Krystyn. And as they were fighting Emilia and Daniela exchanged glances and raced for the button. Tanya, who was standing right next to the button, pressed it.  
  
"Wow," said Tanya, "We're way past easily amused."  
  
So they all got pancakes with powdered sugar and milk and strawberry juice - except for Krystyn who again felt sorry for the cows and gave her milk to Carlynda. After breakfast they used Daniela's cell phone to call their parents.  
  
"Ola? Mom?" asked Tanya. Somebody answered the phone and hung up.  
  
"Game over, try again!" said Carlynda.  
  
"That's weird," said Emilia.  
  
"Well, it's not like their worrying about us! We just told them that we were going to go spend the night with Tanya's new boyfriend that she met on her run, and they didn't even care," said Krystyn.  
  
"YOU DID?!?!?!" said Tanya, and she was about to say, "Let me go barf now!" when she remembered that Artemis was probably listening. Sigh.  
  
"Well... when you called your parents, all you said was that you had met a new friend and were going to hang out at their house for a while. And when you called us, you said that you wanted us to come over and keep you company. Of course, we automatically knew that it was a boy's house because we're your friends, and we just could tell," said Emilia.  
  
"Okay... should we call again?" asked Daniela.  
  
"I dunno. But... um... I kinda forgot to tell you guys this, but when you guys were in the bathroom, I was bugging Artemis about lending me some money so I could go to Hollywood and meet Orlando. And since he was still suffering from hangover a little... I got him to! But there's a catch: There's only one roundtrip plane ticket. AND it's for a month in Hollywood." said Tanya.  
  
For once, everybody just stared.  
  
"I really want to go! But the plane leaves today at 6:00 p.m.!" said Tanya.  
  
"Alright. I get it. We cover for you?" said Emilia.  
  
"Well... I was thinking that you guys could stay here. Because then we would a really great excuse: We found this really cool youth group trip that my cough boyfriend is in. And he thinks that we should all do it. We could make up some phony brochures and stuff - I'm sure Artemis knows how to do that. I doubt that they would even ask for that, though." said Tanya.  
  
"Wow, you've really been thinking about this. Are you feeling okay?" asked Carlynda.  
  
"I think it would work! I mean, we're going to be here for two months anyways, right?" said Daniela.  
  
"Okay, let's go tell the parents. Did anybody bring their permit?" said Tanya.  
  
"Um......... we just kinda drove on over here......" said Krystyn. "I don't think that our U.S. permits work here anyways."  
  
"Alright then, Daniela, you're the most mature. You can drive," said Tanya.  
  
So they ran on over to the hotel. Surprisingly enough, the parents were all over the plan: we leave, and they get peace and quiet.  
  
Meanwhile, Artemis told his parents that he was inviting over some friends to stay in the guest room for a while. Surprisingly enough, they were all over the idea of Artemis making new friends. They also thought that his friends might only like him because he was rich. Oh well, at least he was developing social skills.

* * *

**A/N:** Orlando will be a main character as soon as I can ship Tanya off to Hollywood. Promise. PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!! Thankies!

P.S. - Apparently there is some confusion. OF COURSE Artemis was OOC! For heaven sakes - do you function normally after chugging a martini?!?!


	8. New York?

**Finding Orlando**

**A/N:** I'm on vacation w/o internet, so this won't be posted for a while... so sry. I'm also sorry to those who think that this story is lamo, but, hey, different strokes for different folks. Sadly, not everybody can love my story cuz it would be way too creepy if we were all the same. But THANKIES everybody who gave me those AWESOME reviews!!!  
  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. Pixar - I didn't forget you - not even the title for my chappy, sry Finding Nemo.

* * *

"That worked out well!" said Tanya. She, Artemis, Carlynda, Daniela, Krystyn, and Emilia were all in the guest room trying to figure out what they should do next.  
  
"Unfortunately, we are not able to conjure up your luggage out of thin air, though," said Artemis, "You had better get packing."  
  
"Yesh, of course, but what about us?" asked Emilia.  
  
"Ya, were gunna be, like, super bored around here!" said Krystyn.  
  
"No we aren't! Didn't you see that one room with all of that amusing stuff in it? THEY HAD GIBLUMBUS BUBBLE THINGIES!!!!" said Carlynda.  
  
"Alright, I guess we'll be good right here, Tannie!" said Krystyn.  
  
"I'm not tan!" said Tanya, "Well, actually, I guess I am - but still."  
  
"But that's ur nickname, and ur gunna have to get used to it!!!" said Krystyn.  
  
"Fine then, Krykry." said Tanya.  
  
"I'm not crying!" said Krystyn.  
  
"But that's ur nickname, and ur gunna have to get used to it!!!" mocked Tanya.  
  
"CAT FIGHT!" yelled Carlynda.  
  
"Meow!" said Krystyn and Tanya. They then exchanged glances and decided to move on.  
  
"Anybody want to help pack?" asked Tanya.  
  
"Sure!" said Daniela.  
  
"Of course we'll help! That's a rhetorical question," said Emilia.  
  
"Big word. No comprendo," said Carlynda.  
  
"Never mind then, just help," said Emilia.  
  
"Let's think ahead here, Tanya. You're going to Hollywood! You've seriously got to expand your wardrobe - I mean, you're gunna hang with the stars! And MEET ORLANDO BLOOM! You've got to dress to impress!" said Daniela.  
  
"So what are you suggesting?" asked Tanya.  
  
"E-BAY!" yelled Carlynda.  
  
"No, takes too long. And besides, we've got the money: let's buy the real thing!" said Tanya.  
  
"I guess we just might have to run by New York before your flight leaves. Pity" said Krystyn.  
  
"Splurge all you want girls! We're going SHOPPING!" said Tanya.

* * *

"Wait a sec! When did I approve of this?" asked Artemis who was just sitting in the background, quietly.  
  
"Oh yeah, can we pleez go to New York City to buy me a dress-to- impress wardrobe?" asked Tanya with puppy eyes.  
  
"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn-yes," said Artemis.  
  
"Yay!" all of the girls said as they did a victory dance. Artemis just rolled his eyes.

* * *

"Oh my gosh! That was so much fun!" said Krystyn as they unpiled from Artemis's private jet. They had emptied Artemis's supply of pure sugar - it was supposed to be for tea, but they found better uses for it aka chugging sugar packets contests and dumping it out of the little holes in the windows, watching it fall down to earth. So now everybody was really hyper and ready to shop.  
  
"I think I'll just stay here," said Artemis.  
  
"That's fine with me!" said Tanya.  
  
Everybody got Tanya's sizes and $1000 to spend on designer clothes for Tanya. They then split up and shopped around the streets of New York City.

* * *

Carlynda and Daniela went straight to the Louis Vuitton store. But then they decided that it was a bit too expensive to buy the actual thing, so they headed over to the knock-off vendors. They found Tanya a classic brown/tan 'Louis Vuitton' duffel bag, carry-on purse, hat, and matching wallet so she could look classy getting off of the plane. They also decided to get the matching shoes as well. They also found a cute, plain but classy tan skirt, brown shirt, simple brown slide shoes and tan studs at a cute outlet mall.  
  
They headed over to the Coach store and got Tanya a cute summer pink and white leather purse and a matching wallet and a matching keychain. They went around looking for a matching white skirt, pink shirt, pink flip-flops and white hoops for the purse at random fashion clothing stores.  
  
"I've starving!" said Daniela.  
  
"Me too. Where were we s'posed to meet up with the gang for dinner?" asked Carlynda.  
  
"She gave us this card thingie. Here's what it says:  
The Four Seasons ($80-$100)  
99 E. 52nd St. (btw. Park Ave. & Lexington Ave.),754-9494  
M-F 12pm-9:30pm, Sa 5pm-11:30pm  
Fine American cuisine is served here at the Four Seasons.  
Reservations are highly recommended, up to 3 weeks in advance  
for weekends," read Daniela.  
  
"Cool! 'Cept there's uno problemo," said Carlynda.  
  
"What?" asked Daniela, "Artemis already got us reservations for today."  
  
"We can't wear jean skirts and logo tees to this place! It's fancy- shamancy!" said Carlynda.  
  
"No problem! We just call everybody on our cell phones and tell them to use the leftover money for evening wear. And we might as well pick up Tanya an extra fancy thing or two," said Daniela.  
  
"And pearl and diamond jewelry!" said Carlynda as they headed over to a formal wear store while calling everybody on their cells.

* * *

Krystyn and Emilia spend the day shopping in the funky stores of NY. They found some really funky, fashionable purses and every purse had a matching outfit, of course. Their favorite purchase was a white skirt with an orange juice colored logo tee outfit, hot pink high-heeled flip-flops that clashed nicely, and some huge hot pink circle earrings. But that was only one out of the 20 outfits that they had chosen for Tanya.  
  
"My cell is ringing" said Krystyn.  
  
"Mine is, too!" said Emilia.  
  
"Freaky!" said Krystyn. But they answered their phones and it turned out to be Carlynda and Daniela. After they chatted about what great stuff they'd bought and were informed about the dinner situation, they hung up.  
  
"Is it really that close to dinner time?" asked Emilia.  
  
"Ya, I guess we just didn't really think about it. Hey, let's go buy Tanya some of those chandelier earrings while we get our fancy stuff," said Krystyn.  
  
"Sure!" said Emilia as they headed towards a fancy clothing department.

* * *

Tanya was picking up some necessities that she would need for her month in CA. (A/N: Let's just say that she had to stop at Victoria Secret.) She also purchased a couple cute swimsuits - the beach is only about an hour away from Hollywood - and some athletic clothes - just in case she decided to go for a run or something.  
  
Tanya decided that she might as well pick up a couple fun socks because she read in a magazine that Orlando was obsessed with socks. (A/N: He even has a couple pairs of glow-in-the-dark socks!) She also stopped by gap and picked up a couple things because she heard that Gap was Orlando's favorite store.  
  
She was sitting at Starbucks, sipping a vanilla bean coffee frappachino, (she had seriously shopped until she dropped) when her cell phone rang.  
  
"Ola?" said Tanya.  
  
"Ola, Tanya! It's Carlynda," said Carlynda.  
  
"'Sup, Carly?" asked Tanya.  
  
"Well, Daniela and I just figured out that we have to be at this fancy place for dinner pretty soon and we hafta dress up," said Carlynda.  
  
"OMG, I completely forgot about dinner. Ok, well, I'll go find something to wear, K?" said Tanya.  
  
"K, see ya soon! Bye," said Carlynda.  
  
"Alright, bye!" said Tanya.  
  
As soon as she hung up, she jumped up and ran to the nearest fancy clothing store.

* * *

Artemis was waiting at the table as the girl arrived. He was smiling smugly, of course, but at least he was smiling. Artemis had half-expected them to show up in their jeans, but, once again, they had surprised him. Naturally, they looked stunning in their brand-new designer dresses, shoes, and jewelry. They even had had enough time to get a quick hair-do at a walk- in hair salon.  
  
"Ola, Artemis," said Tanya. She was wearing a strapless dress that matched her eye color, a deep shade of blue. It had a sparkly thin layer over the floor-length skirt part that made it look like there were mini stars dancing around on her dress. She had a matching blue sparkle dress scarf. Her hair was the color of sand with sun beams running through it, and it was half up in a fancy mess bun and the other half down in wavy curls. She also had a dangly diamond necklace, diamond chandelier earrings, and sparkly diamond high-heeled flip-flops. Her look was an imitation of the night sky - sparkly and deep shaded blue!  
  
"Hello, everybody. Please be seated and find something on the menu," said Artemis, unenthusiastically. He had on a boring black and white tux with a plain dark red tie. And boring black business shoes.  
  
"I like food. Food is a good thing. Let's see that menu," said Carlynda. She was wearing a dark red dress that had a small train. The top of the dress was the Cache-Coeur sleeveless look and the skirt part was flowy. She was wearing pearl jewelry and pearly white slides, and her Barbie blonde choppy-layered hair was worn down. It was a simple but classy look.  
  
"You call that food!" said Krystyn who was pointing to the caviar that Artemis had ordered. She was wearing a floor-length, spaghetti strap, pastel/spring green dress that had a low back, scooped front, and slit side but these were covered with a green screen fabric netting material and surrounded by shiny sequins, giving it an almost mermaid effect. She had a matching sequined dress scarf, a fun green sequin/beaded necklace, green beaded earrings, and sequined platform flip-flops. Her look was more funky and sequined.  
  
"You're eating black beads out of a fancy bowl. That's just gross," said Emilia. Her dress was pink. Very pink. It was the pink rainbow: dark hot pink on the bottom fading to a baby pink on the top. It was sparkly, too. The top was also the Cache-Coeur sleeveless style, but it was knee- length and shaggy at the bottom, cut at a diagonal. She wore dark hot pink semi-heel flip-flops - she didn't like to wear too much of a heel because she was the tallest of all of her friends, 5 feet and 9 inches. She wore sparkly big hoops and a sparkly version of Tiffany & Co's Heart on a Chain necklace. Her blonde hair was in butterfly rolls and it was bouncy curly in the back. It, obviously, was a very pink look.  
  
"This happens to be called caviar, and I find it quite appetizing," explained Artemis.  
  
"Well, I happen to be called normal, and I find myself ordering a quite different appetizer, thank you very much," said Daniela. She was wearing a yellow/gold dress that looked like the one that Belle from Beauty and the Beast wore. It was really sparkly and golden. The skirt was very poofy and the top had poofs on the shoulders and a tight fitting square of golden sparkly fabric that ran into the waist where the dress poofed out. She had gold stud earrings and gold high heels. Her hair was the exact color and up-do like Belle's - brown hair in a fancy bun thingie.  
  
Dinner was very uneventful. Especially since there were absolutely no lemons on the menu or in the restaurant at all. They all ordered their food and sat there eating, trying to sound professional, talking about how interesting the stock market was. Half of them didn't even know what a stock market was, but they eventually got the concept that it was a boring system of ups and downs and poor and richness. Sigh. Carlynda almost fell asleep in her plate until Krystyn poked her, causing Carlynda to jump up and let out a high-pitched, "BA!" They food was pretty good, though, especially since Artemis was taking care of the bill!

* * *

"Well, that was fun," said Tanya on their way back to Ireland.  
  
"Ish," said Carlynda.  
  
"Ya, I don't think I like talking like a grown-up. It's no fun," said Emilia.  
  
"I agree," said Krystyn. "But it is fun when I get to poke my sister and watch her yell 'BA!' and get the whole restaurant to watch her turn beet red."  
  
"Oh, shut-up!" said Carlynda.  
  
"Hey, Tanya, I thought that you were supposed to leave today at six o'clock!" said Daniela.  
  
"Oh, yeah!" said Tanya, "I forgot to tell you guys that I'm not going."  
  
"WHAT?!?!?!?!?!" they all yelled.  
  
"Just playin'! Artemis got confused and the plane leaves 6:00 a.m. tomorrow. Ya know, hangover and all," said Tanya.  
  
"Oh my gosh, you almost killed us there, Tannie!" said Krystyn.  
  
"Well, you fell for it Krykry," said Tanya.  
  
As soon as they got home, Artemis went straight to his library. (A/N: Probably to read dating for dummies! Their bet starts tomorrow.) The girls all helped Tanya pack in her new Louis Vuitton suitcases. Then, they all went straight to sleep. I guess they really shopped until they dropped. Or maybe it was the sleeping pills that Artemis had put into their water. I guess he didn't want to hear girl screaming all night about how sexy Johnny Depp looks as Captain Jack Sparrow or how constipated Elijah Wood looks all the time.

* * *

"Bye, Tannie! We'll miss you!" said Krystyn early the next morning.  
  
"Ya, and don't steal ALL of the hot guyz. I get dibs on Adam Brody!" said Carlynda.  
  
"We luv ya like fat kidz luv cake!" said Emilia.  
  
"HAVE FUN!" yelled Daniela.  
  
"Alright, gals, see you later! Tell me all about how much fun you had without me! And don't forget to eat loads of lemons!" said Tanya.  
  
Tanya hopped into the limo where the chauffeur was waiting. "LYL! TTYL! BYE!" yelled Tanya as she rode off to the airport.

* * *

**A/N:** Well, I'm sorry that I spent so long describing outfits, but I felt like I needed to update Tanya's wardrobe and add a little bit of creativity to the story. I'm also sorry if u like Elijah Wood, it's just that Tanya can't stand him. So sorry. cough I had nothing to do with it. cough Plus, I think New York is cool! I PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE that Orlando will be in the next chappy. Pleez review!!!!!!! Pretty pleez, with lemonz on top? 


	9. More Finding Orlando

**More Finding Orlando...**

**A/N:** I'm SO sorry that I haven't updated in a LONGola time. Skool started and I had butloads of homework. Ba! This should be a nice long chappy. (or at least as long as it gets in my stories)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. Ba!

* * *

Tanya got to the airport all in one piece. There's not much you can do wrong when there's a professionally trained driver-dude with you. She enjoyed the limo ride very much, especially because the driver-dude wuz trying to be all serious but couldn't keep a straight face when Tanya hopped around the limo like a hyper child pushing all the buttons. again. & again. & again... Then, she found the mocha machine and made herself a nice caffeine filled drink. Not a smart move. She got hold of the radio controls and blasted the Hit Music Channel and started doing the funky chicken, the lawn mower, and the shopping cart in the middle of the limo to the "tune" of Irish rap.

The driver-dude, named Bob, also functioned as an airport-baggage-terminal-dude. So Tanya got to her gate alright, after stopping at all of the shoe-shiner chair thingies and running in zigzags down the moving floor thingies while humming James Bond and the Pink Panther with Bob, her new MIB member, trying to look normal while chasing after her. So it is rather obvious that by the time she boarded the plane people were giving her strange looks. Tanya just smiled innocently at them in return.

Tanya got a widow seat in first class. Yay! She spent her plane ride reading the Life Story on Orlando Bloom magazine, watching the movies the chair TV thing, and picking at the airplane food. (Even in first class it isn't edible.) She also ordered about 35 shirley temples with extra extra cherries, so she really had to go to the bathroom. There was a old obese Chinese couple sitting next to her, and since it was like 3:00 a.m. American time, they were sleeping.

"Oh, shat!" muttered Tanya. "How in the world am I supposed to get over these beached whales?" They didn't understand English because Tanya had already tried to talk to them before and all she got wuz, "Hoi sheow she cow?" She tried whispering to make them wake up and then tried poking them, but they were sleeping like logs. So Tanya decided to do the long jump. Luckily, the seat belt sign was off, so she squatted on her seat, pumped her arms, and pushed off. She accidentally landed on the fat lady's lap, so she quickly scampered off and dashed off to the bathroom. The lady was still asleep when Tanya got back.

When the plane finally landed, Tanya jumped out of her seat and ran off the plane. She didn't like being cooped up for too long. She ran to the nearest gift shop and bought a big hunk of milk chocolate. Then, she realized that she didn't know what she was doing or where she was supposed to go. Ba! Where did they say the baggage claim wuz? Tanya followed the signs that said baggage claim for half an hour and ended up in the car rental place where she found a guy holding a piece of paper with her name on it.

"Ola! Are an angel sent to help me, or am I hallucinating?" Tanya asked.

"I'm here to pick up Tanya Kaida. She's about your age, about your height, had you hair color, and eye color," replied the man.

"Cool. Another MIB to my rescue! Alright, where's the baggage claim?" asked Tanya.

"Follow me," he said. So Tanya followed the MIB-dude and got all of her luggage. She found the instructions that Artemis had given her in her backpack.

"Alright," said Tanya, "It says here that I'm supposed to meet with another guy named Bob and go to the Hollywood Hotel."

"I'm Bob, and I'm going to take you to the Hollywood Hotel," said Bob.

"Well, what are you waiting for, let's go!" said Tanya.

"Of course, follow me," said Bob. They went to the car rental place, and Bob asked for this limo 2000 that Artemis had put on hold.

"I'm sorry, but we don't have that limo in stock anymore," said the car rental guy. Bob was not very happy with this, and was about to rant about how it had been put on hold in advance and should have been ready and all, but Tanya decided to put in her two cents.

"Mr. Car Rental Dude, I'm sure you have some other limo in that garage. I mean, honestly, your company isn't that stupid!" said Tanya, "Frankly, I don't care what type it is, just so long as its got wheels and a steerer."

"Well, little miss, we do have a limo 2001 that you could rent, and I'll give it to you for the same price as the limo 2000. How does that sound?" said the car rental guy.

"Sure, but what's the catch?" asked Tanya. (A/N: There's always a catch.)

"Well... it's hot pink," said the car rental guy.

"Awesome! We'll take it!" said Tanya before Bob could protest. So they found their limo easily, (How could you miss a hot pink limo?) and set off for the Hollywood Hotel. As soon as they got to the hotel, Bob made sure Tanya's room was a penthouse suite and they set off. Tanya had no idea what a penthouse suite was, but soon found out when they had a whole entire floor dedicated to her room!

"Wow! This is beautimus! Holy cows! This is amazing!" was all Tanya could say for a few hours before she got down to business and called her friends back at Fowl Manor.

"Ola! This is Tanya."

"Ola, Tanya!" said Carlynda and Krystyn. "We've been waiting to hear from you!" said Daniela. "How was the flight?" asked Emilia. Tanya told them all about the flight, from the fat peeps sitting next to her to the awesome hot pink limo.

"Lucky you!" said Krystyn. "Ya, we've been sitting here in the guest house for the whole day cuz there's a new rule that says we can't go anywhere without Artemis," said Carlynda. "Ya, and it really stinx cuz nobody wants to go anywhere with him," said Daniela. "So we've been watching Pirates of the Caribbean over and over and over and over again. We're thinking about putting on a show for Mr. Nobody pretty soon cuz we've memorized the WHOLE ENTIRE movie," said Emilia.

"O I c, fun," said Tanya.

"Well, have you seen Orli yet?" asked Carlynda.

"Nope, I gotta go find him. I haven't started looking yet," said Tanya.

"Well, you'd better get cracking, sistah, cuz you don't have all the time in the world!" said Emilia.

"Ok, well then, I'll talk to y'all later!" said Tanya.

"Kk, bye!" they all replied, and with that Tanya got out a map of Hollywood and started pinpointing all of the major tourist sites and other weird places where previous stars have been seen. Then, she called Bob and got him to take her around Hollywood.

Tanya walked up and down, high and low, but no sign of Orlando. She decided that maybe today he felt like staying inside, after all, everybody knew about his big break-up with Kate and Orlando was in Hollywood to take a big break from the world. So Tanya supposed that maybe he couldn't make any public appearances anytime soon, and she decided to got check-out the nearest beach.

Bob drove her to The Beach, which was the very creative name of the nearest beach in Hollywood. She told him to pick her up before dinner, at about 7:00, giving her about 5 hours to hang out. Tanya found that The Beach wasn't very crowded at all, in fact, there was only the beach crew who ran the boogie board/surf board rental shop and this old couple walking along the beach. So, Tanya laid out her stuff and decided to look around. She casually strolled up to the rental shop and look around for any amiable faces who might be able to teach her how to surf. With one swift glance, she quickly walked back to her towel and pretended to be tanning while she thought it over. She saw a guy in his mid-forties with tattoos covering his whole entire shirtless hairy body. Ew! And there was an okay-looking guy about 5 years older than her with about 2 tattoos and he would have been an okay choice if he wasn't smoking. Double ew! So Tanya decided that she would rather teach herself how to surf, cuz she did have her own surf board and she had watched Blue Crush before, so why not?

She grabbed her board and ran out into the ocean, trying to look like she knew what she was doing.

"Holy shat! This water is FREEZING!!!!!!!" Tanya said to herself. She had always thought that oceans were supposed to be warm! Maybe that's just Florida. "Oh, well," she thought, "It's too late to turn back now! And if you catch hypothermia, you're all on your own. What a pleasant thought." So Tanya first tried getting on top of her board, which seemed like a pretty easy task, but the board was slippery and hard to balance so it took her about 10 tries to get on top of it. Then she tried to stand up, which was really hard to do because there was no wave to ride yet. It took her about 100 times before she could stand up on it and even then, she could only stay up for about 3 seconds.

Tanya practiced this until she decided to actually try a wave. Now Tanya had absolutely no idea how to do this. So she tried lying on top of her board and paddling like they did in the movies. She was trying to stand up when she saw somebody on the beach. It was a guy who looked like he was her age. He had brown curly hair and was carrying a surf board. He looked kinda like somebody she had seen before... he looked like... ORLANDO BLOOM! While Tanya was realizing this, she had forgotten about balancing and the wave crashed down on her. The last thing she saw was water caving in on her, and she felt her board colliding with her head.

* * *

**A/N**: Sorry if it's too cliché for y'all, but they hafta meet somehow! Thanx for reading. I will update really soon. REVIEW!


End file.
